Bind The Strongman

is he or isn't he.

2008-03-24T21:00:00.005-04:00

My son is not gay.

jealouseed

2008-03-24T20:45:00.008-04:00

He shows her love. He acts like I don't exist.

He smiles at her. He cringes at the sound of my voice.

He gives to her willingly. He takes from me, ruthlessly.

He hugs her and kisses her. He totally ignores me.

He is proud of her. He is ashamed of me.

He takes her everywhere. He leaves me all alone.

He loves her. I am just here. I'm jealous of my own seed. What will become of this jealouseed.

mightaswellbedead

2008-03-24T20:25:00.004-04:00

i am in so much pain. week after week i sit in church with a dirty little secret. it may not seem like much to you but i think it is hindering me from closer to God. I hate my child's father.

I Hate him!

ihatehimandiwouldn'tcareifheraninfrontofatruckand

killedhimselfdead.iwouldn'tcareifhecaughtadeadlydis-

easeandcroakedoverdinstead.Iwouldn'tcareifhetookanover

doseiwouldnotcry.ifhegotshotwithagunwouldntthatbefun?

iwouldnotgiveahootorpootifhehadanyneed.onmyfoodhecannot

feed.indeed,thisissadbecauseiamachristian.

Voices In My Head

2008-03-08T20:58:00.005-05:00

I hate how you dress. Your skin is so ashy. Your breathe stinks. You're too big. My family just going to blame you for everythink I do anyway. You can't cook. How did that happen. It won't last a year. He can come and stay with me. You think you the only one that he is taking care of? He looks like the Rock. I don't know why he just don't go live with that dyke. He was with her the other day. He said, That's my girl. They envy you. They want what you got. You silly for being with him. Why can't I have my wife and my other girls, too? I chose you. That's not my son. She's pregnant by your man. I saw him over her house. I saw them at the bowling alley with her family. He kissed her. She was touching him. I'm going out of town with my boys. She tried to take me home. You need to get a job. Awwww, ain't that cute.....he needs to be at home with his wife. Who is he messing with now. I don't want to come over your house because your man.....How does she feel now that she knows her man approached me for sex. I don't know why she keep on having kids by him....That man is bold. He was at the stripclub????? It's her fault. You need to do something about him. Divorce him. Kill him. Leave him. Get somebody else. Show him how it feels.

These whispers have become loud voices...Help me God.

Riddle Me

2008-03-08T20:51:00.003-05:00

He said, "I love him a little more than a friend, a little less than a lover." What the ^#*! is that supposed to mean?

Silly Games

2008-03-08T20:39:00.003-05:00

He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves Me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves Me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not.
He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves Me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not.
He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves Me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves Me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not.
He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves Me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves Me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not.

Decisions

2008-03-08T20:38:00.003-05:00

The dilemma:

Satisfy Him
Satisfy him
Satisfy myself

Where You At??

2008-03-08T20:36:00.003-05:00

Lord, You were here where I am. Now you are gone. Where are you at? Tell me so I can do what you want me to do.

Is it time to move on????????????

Sick and Tired of.....

2008-03-08T20:24:00.003-05:00

LIAR
Deception
Manipulation
Intimidation
Domination
Oppression
Depression
Possession
Opposition
Degradation
Disrespect
Theft
Diabolical Schemes
Slander
Trickery
Hustling
Rebellion
Rejection

Do as I say, not as I do.....Yeah, right.

Speak No Evil!

2008-02-22T01:15:00.003-05:00

Tactfulness is not my strong suit. I always seem to offend or hurt someone with the words from my mouth.

The Weight

2008-02-19T23:40:00.002-05:00

I am a large person. fat, obese, overweight whatever you choose to call it. I have been big all my life. I remember the first time someone called me fat. I was a small child. It was a relative. It hurt me so bad. When she said, " You're fat!" it took my breathe away. Every time she said it it became harder and harder for me to breathe. Finally I shut her up. I bloodied her nose.

Being large woman, I was treated different by men. I never dated. I was always the one who was "like a sister". I was the "understanding" one.... never desired. I was never taken seriously.

Men picked me up after dark. After their girlfriends and wives were home in bed. Booty call must have been written on my forehead.

I married the first man who showed a slight interest in me. He only married me for the children. He goes to single's clubs, stripbars and is seen frequently around town with other women. He takes them out on the town while I stay at home. He is ashamed of me. He hates my body. So do I.

February 14th

2008-02-14T18:12:00.002-05:00

It's Valentines Day. Again.

Jesus loves me

2008-02-13T17:43:00.003-05:00

This is great because I have never felt more ugly and unloveable than I do today. Thank God we walk by faith and not by sight!

Righteous judgement

2008-02-12T01:21:00.000-05:00

Lord forgive me for the times I've dealt harshly with my fellow yokefellows in Christ. Who am I to judge another man's servant???I long to see people through the eyes of God....not my past, pain or predjudice...my hangups.

I'm speaking simply of preconceived notions of what I believe a person is like based simply on ABSOULUTELY NOTHING. When I think of how many times I may have let my little hang ups about people over ABSOULUTELY NOTHING keep me from receiving something God was trying to get to me I am deeply saddened.

I WILL judge righteous judgement, in the name of Jesus.

God and "The Churchpolice"

2008-02-10T19:47:00.001-05:00

It feels good to know that it is possible God can still use me in spite of all my issues. But can I really stop hiding from "the churchpolice"?

Do you think I'm stupid???

2008-02-09T22:38:00.000-05:00

My significant other has been cheating on me for 10 years....With different women.

Sometimes when I ask the people that pray for people at church concerning this they look at me funny. I don't talk about it much anymore because I'm beginning to think the church people think it is a waste of their time to even speak of it anymore.

I still love him.

Wow!!!!

2008-02-09T03:38:00.000-05:00

Well since I am the only person posting I will post til my heart is content. Just last week I deleted an anonymous blog. I felt like a punk and a weasel for not being upfront about my issues.
go figure.

Well my brother's bm never called like she said she would. I guess she can't stand the thought of looking me in the eye. I don't know why...All I ever did was love her. I am angry at all parties but I must admit I understand her pain. Her father was addict all his life until he died last year. Most of her life he was in and out of prison. She has several brothers all whom have been in and out of prison, drug dealers and drug users. Someone close to her who had been with her all her life died last year in a questionable manner. Her mom is a meek and quiet kind of woman. She's been going to church since dad died, but I don't know if she has been truely born again. I care about her. She was always nice to me and my children and especially my brother.

Momma and Daddy are in a world of hurting. Daddy can't really see to drive to see brother. He was recently moved to a prison which is quite far away. Momma has issues with the express way. They won't get to see him anymore.

Sometimes I feel like it's all my fault. I was an alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, ect.....I really could go on.....but I'll save some for later. Anyways, I used my influence to teach him bad behaviors. What I struggled with has almost killed him. I remember leaving him with my kids while I went to go clubbing and pick up men. When he got his first child he did it at my house. When he smoked his first blunt he was at my house. When he drank his first drink He drank with me. Then....I got saved.

After I got saved I was instantly delivered from all those things even from cigarettes. Nobody understood. I got married soon after that. It was a marriage from hell. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I lost him in the transition. I let go of him when he needed me. I was numb to the fact that I had been cut off from him after salvation and marriage until one day my moms called and asked me what did crack cocaine look like. I was going through sooooo much. I had heard the rumors that brother was smoking but it didn't quite register. Even knowing he had been stealing from her and writing checks on her and staying at the neighborhood dope house day in and out. I wasn't clueless. I was preoccupied. While I was sleeping the enemy was stealing my brother's life.

I'm sick. I miss him so much. He is but a shell of the person he once was. I want him back:)

Jesus nothing is too hard for you.

anger.....

2008-02-09T00:34:00.000-05:00

First of all i would like to applaud this site. I have a frustration i am longing to release. I am very mad at a relative. He is incarcerated at the present for crimes committed in order to get drugs. He lost custody of children before going to prison. I absoulutely abhor the person that was awarded custody. This person will not allow our family to be a part of their lives. She is a relative to the mother of said children. She has two of them. Now another relative on her side has the other two. I am angry with mama because she verbally abused us. I am angry with my parents because they fought all the time. When we were kids brother would bite his fingernails down to the quick and chew on his clothes. I'm angry at my dad because he was a weak man that let my mother run him. She didn't respect him neither did we. Especially me. It made me a borderline dyke and both of my brothers weak men. I'm angry with babymama cause her family robbed stole and sold drugs. My bother hooked up with her and followed suit. Now that he is in prison she wants nothing to do with him. She can't she's on crack too. I guess when you started this blog you didn't think you would get something like this as the first entry. Well, this is the life that I'm dealing with. Pray for my brother that he will find God and not just because he is hoping to get a "get out of jail free card." Okay so one of bm's relatives has two of their kids. Now another relative has the other two. He was already calling my mom from prison crying and whining and begging for money. Now he is wanting us to get the youngest two kids so that he will be able to see them . I don't thing this would be such an issue to him if mommy dearest hadn't talked him into getting a vasectomy. He can't have anymore kids. So controlling she is. Pray for our family please.