Saturday, February 9, 2008


Well since I am the only person posting I will post til my heart is content. Just last week I deleted an anonymous blog. I felt like a punk and a weasel for not being upfront about my issues.
go figure.

Well my brother's bm never called like she said she would. I guess she can't stand the thought of looking me in the eye. I don't know why...All I ever did was love her. I am angry at all parties but I must admit I understand her pain. Her father was addict all his life until he died last year. Most of her life he was in and out of prison. She has several brothers all whom have been in and out of prison, drug dealers and drug users. Someone close to her who had been with her all her life died last year in a questionable manner. Her mom is a meek and quiet kind of woman. She's been going to church since dad died, but I don't know if she has been truely born again. I care about her. She was always nice to me and my children and especially my brother.

Momma and Daddy are in a world of hurting. Daddy can't really see to drive to see brother. He was recently moved to a prison which is quite far away. Momma has issues with the express way. They won't get to see him anymore.

Sometimes I feel like it's all my fault. I was an alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, ect.....I really could go on.....but I'll save some for later. Anyways, I used my influence to teach him bad behaviors. What I struggled with has almost killed him. I remember leaving him with my kids while I went to go clubbing and pick up men. When he got his first child he did it at my house. When he smoked his first blunt he was at my house. When he drank his first drink He drank with me. Then....I got saved.

After I got saved I was instantly delivered from all those things even from cigarettes. Nobody understood. I got married soon after that. It was a marriage from hell. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I lost him in the transition. I let go of him when he needed me. I was numb to the fact that I had been cut off from him after salvation and marriage until one day my moms called and asked me what did crack cocaine look like. I was going through sooooo much. I had heard the rumors that brother was smoking but it didn't quite register. Even knowing he had been stealing from her and writing checks on her and staying at the neighborhood dope house day in and out. I wasn't clueless. I was preoccupied. While I was sleeping the enemy was stealing my brother's life.

I'm sick. I miss him so much. He is but a shell of the person he once was. I want him back:)

Jesus nothing is too hard for you.