Friday, February 22, 2008

Speak No Evil!

Tactfulness is not my strong suit. I always seem to offend or hurt someone with the words from my mouth.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The Weight

I am a large person. fat, obese, overweight whatever you choose to call it. I have been big all my life. I remember the first time someone called me fat. I was a small child. It was a relative. It hurt me so bad. When she said, " You're fat!" it took my breathe away. Every time she said it it became harder and harder for me to breathe. Finally I shut her up. I bloodied her nose.

Being large woman, I was treated different by men. I never dated. I was always the one who was "like a sister". I was the "understanding" one.... never desired. I was never taken seriously.

Men picked me up after dark. After their girlfriends and wives were home in bed. Booty call must have been written on my forehead.

I married the first man who showed a slight interest in me. He only married me for the children. He goes to single's clubs, stripbars and is seen frequently around town with other women. He takes them out on the town while I stay at home. He is ashamed of me. He hates my body. So do I.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

February 14th

It's Valentines Day. Again.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Jesus loves me

This is great because I have never felt more ugly and unloveable than I do today. Thank God we walk by faith and not by sight!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Righteous judgement

Lord forgive me for the times I've dealt harshly with my fellow yokefellows in Christ. Who am I to judge another man's servant???I long to see people through the eyes of God....not my past, pain or hangups.

I'm speaking simply of preconceived notions of what I believe a person is like based simply on ABSOULUTELY NOTHING. When I think of how many times I may have let my little hang ups about people over ABSOULUTELY NOTHING keep me from receiving something God was trying to get to me I am deeply saddened.

I WILL judge righteous judgement, in the name of Jesus.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

God and "The Churchpolice"

It feels good to know that it is possible God can still use me in spite of all my issues. But can I really stop hiding from "the churchpolice"?

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Do you think I'm stupid???

My significant other has been cheating on me for 10 years....With different women.

Sometimes when I ask the people that pray for people at church concerning this they look at me funny. I don't talk about it much anymore because I'm beginning to think the church people think it is a waste of their time to even speak of it anymore.

I still love him.


Well since I am the only person posting I will post til my heart is content. Just last week I deleted an anonymous blog. I felt like a punk and a weasel for not being upfront about my issues.
go figure.

Well my brother's bm never called like she said she would. I guess she can't stand the thought of looking me in the eye. I don't know why...All I ever did was love her. I am angry at all parties but I must admit I understand her pain. Her father was addict all his life until he died last year. Most of her life he was in and out of prison. She has several brothers all whom have been in and out of prison, drug dealers and drug users. Someone close to her who had been with her all her life died last year in a questionable manner. Her mom is a meek and quiet kind of woman. She's been going to church since dad died, but I don't know if she has been truely born again. I care about her. She was always nice to me and my children and especially my brother.

Momma and Daddy are in a world of hurting. Daddy can't really see to drive to see brother. He was recently moved to a prison which is quite far away. Momma has issues with the express way. They won't get to see him anymore.

Sometimes I feel like it's all my fault. I was an alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, ect.....I really could go on.....but I'll save some for later. Anyways, I used my influence to teach him bad behaviors. What I struggled with has almost killed him. I remember leaving him with my kids while I went to go clubbing and pick up men. When he got his first child he did it at my house. When he smoked his first blunt he was at my house. When he drank his first drink He drank with me. Then....I got saved.

After I got saved I was instantly delivered from all those things even from cigarettes. Nobody understood. I got married soon after that. It was a marriage from hell. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I lost him in the transition. I let go of him when he needed me. I was numb to the fact that I had been cut off from him after salvation and marriage until one day my moms called and asked me what did crack cocaine look like. I was going through sooooo much. I had heard the rumors that brother was smoking but it didn't quite register. Even knowing he had been stealing from her and writing checks on her and staying at the neighborhood dope house day in and out. I wasn't clueless. I was preoccupied. While I was sleeping the enemy was stealing my brother's life.

I'm sick. I miss him so much. He is but a shell of the person he once was. I want him back:)

Jesus nothing is too hard for you.


First of all i would like to applaud this site. I have a frustration i am longing to release. I am very mad at a relative. He is incarcerated at the present for crimes committed in order to get drugs. He lost custody of children before going to prison. I absoulutely abhor the person that was awarded custody. This person will not allow our family to be a part of their lives. She is a relative to the mother of said children. She has two of them. Now another relative on her side has the other two. I am angry with mama because she verbally abused us. I am angry with my parents because they fought all the time. When we were kids brother would bite his fingernails down to the quick and chew on his clothes. I'm angry at my dad because he was a weak man that let my mother run him. She didn't respect him neither did we. Especially me. It made me a borderline dyke and both of my brothers weak men. I'm angry with babymama cause her family robbed stole and sold drugs. My bother hooked up with her and followed suit. Now that he is in prison she wants nothing to do with him. She can't she's on crack too. I guess when you started this blog you didn't think you would get something like this as the first entry. Well, this is the life that I'm dealing with. Pray for my brother that he will find God and not just because he is hoping to get a "get out of jail free card." Okay so one of bm's relatives has two of their kids. Now another relative has the other two. He was already calling my mom from prison crying and whining and begging for money. Now he is wanting us to get the youngest two kids so that he will be able to see them . I don't thing this would be such an issue to him if mommy dearest hadn't talked him into getting a vasectomy. He can't have anymore kids. So controlling she is. Pray for our family please.